Whit-Bitch Wins

The last few months I have been a wreck. 

A big, fat, chaotic wreck. I still am today. I had a burger-pie and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps for lunch for God's sake. Not great for my first day of detoxing I'll admit.... though it's almost 3pm and I haven't uncorked that bottle of red over there yet so that's something! 

I think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. 

I can't fall in love. I can't be in love. I can't really even love. I mean, I love my family! Of course... but guys??? I don't think I can. 

It's not that I don't want to. I do, I really do! But every time I try, once it gets passed that honeymoon stage, I get bored. I get annoyed. I get ready to move on. 

I decided to try and push my commitment phobia (self diagnosed but I think I'm pretty spot on,) into the back of my head and take things further with Scott. At first it was going so well. Alex got into this serious relationship with Whitney and I took Scott back 100%. For a while everything was so great! Until recently.... I don't know if it's the fear of 'forever' but something is making me sabotage my relationship with Scott again. I even told him that I'm sabotaging us, because I know I am! But then I wonder if it really is all my fault the way he makes me think it is. Scott does some pretty shady things to me on almost a daily (or nightly) basis. For instance... he'll often call me and tell me he's just going to be home and have a relaxed evening in but when I call him later in the evening to say goodnight he won't answer. Then, the next day he'll casually drop in that he actually went out with some friends that night and didn't even let me know. Call me old fashioned, but I appreciate something as simple as a goodnight text. A 'Thinking of You. x' takes what? 15 seconds at most. C'mon. It's not a lot to ask for. Am I the only woman out there that gets angry that he doesn't tell me his plans? I mean, what if he'd had an accident??? I'd have thought he was at home by himself having a relaxing evening on the sofa and next thing he's gone!? That's not cool... and imagine what it would feel like if that really did happened. It would leave you wondering why he didn't tell you? What was he up to? It just doesn't fit well with me... then he gets all defensive and says he didn't realize he had to sit at home and be a good boy and that he didn't know he needed to ask me for permission.

I mean, what the HELL??? 

Anyway - I didn't really want to re-enter the blog world with a gigantic rant but to be honest that's how I'm feeling today and it's what's been going on. Right now I'm just trying to take it all in my stride. I'm sorry I've been so quiet, I just haven't been compelled to bore you with the ongoing Scott drama... and after I realized things with Alex would never work out and that he'd definitely chosen that Whit-bitch over me... 

I was just done for a while. I needed a break. But I'm back, OK?! Hope ya'll feel good about that!

My Date With Alex (and what is happening with Scotty...)

Last night I met up with Alex.

It literally looked like a bomb went off in my closet with all of my clothes strewn around the place! I tried on every combination of shirts, shorts, peplum tops, turtle-necks, skirts and vests possible and strutted around in front of my full length mirror clutching onto a chilled glass of dry white wine to calm my nerves. 

But I finally settled on a little black dress. I looked good! Even I won't be shy to admit that. I made a big effort with my outfit, my hair and my makeup - and it didn't go unnoticed. He told me that I looked beautiful! Blush. 

I ordered wine, sushi and edamame beans. My usual at a seafood restaurant on the water. 

Alex opted for something non-alcoholic... because he doesn't drink... love it!! And some fishy main with veggies. 

We chatted for AGES - I actually honestly couldn't shut up! 

Then, the inevitable happened... he asked me to tell him about the guy that I met at the concert (a.k.a him!!!). 

I turned bright red and downright refused, shaking my head and looking anywhere else but at him. 

I don't really know how we stumbled our way into the rest of the conversation but we did end up discussing the fact that we kind of like each other.

He said things like a girl like me doesn't come around often in a town like we're in and that I'm smart and funny etc.... He said so many nice things - I'm easy on the eye and blah blah blah... but also mentioned that he is 10 years older than me and he worries that we are in different stages of our lives. He is wanting to settle down soon and he wanted to know where I stood and what it is that I want right now.... so it was all very mature and to the point. 

He then said that he'd like us to continue to hang out as friends and if something does happen between us, he'd like it to be slow. He lost his dad about a year ago and still has a lot he needs to deal with so I completely understand he needs things to go slowly. 

So we're friends - with obvious 'crushes' on each other. 

We actually have plans again over the weekend. He's house-sitting for his mum and has invited me over to watch movies and cook curry. As friends. He said that I can stay in the spare room. He's got such high morals that I really think that would be exactly what happens. 

He's a good guy. 

A good guy that now knows that I exist.  

Now let's move on to Scotty - a couple of you awesome readers (Corinne & Anshul in particular!) have been intrigued and asking what is happening there. 

OH MY GOD..... 

This past Sunday he came over and asked my dad for his blessing to marry me. And do you know what my dad said? Yes! 

Shiiiiiiiit. 

I didn't know about this at all and the next thing I know my entire family is smiling at me like idiots while Scotty suddenly said he wanted to take me up to this gorgeous view point. 

Instantly my heart started thundering in my chest. I could feel the pulse fast and hard in my neck as we walked to the view point. In my mind I just kept repeating, 'Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck!' 

He didn't propose. He just wanted to cuddle and look at the view. Phew. Major coincidence!!!

When we got back to the house my mum dragged me aside and hissed into my ear, 'So did he do it!?!' and I knew exactly what she was talking about. 

He told my dad when he is going to be proposing but my dad won't tell me!! 

I need to end things.... to be able to continue this thing with Alex.... but I don't know how. 

How do you end things with someone who is suicidal and emotionally unstable??? How do you break someones heart???? He's so happy with me... God knows why! He's ready to pop the question and make me his wife. 

I really don't know what to do! Please help me.... 

As for Alex.... I really don't know what is going to happen there. 

I don't know if he really likes me enough to make a proper move. 

I don't KNOW if this Whitney girl is a threat or not. He says that she is just a friend but on Facebook they really do seem like more. But I'm too proud to ask. 

He has a lot to deal with before he'll be ready to be in a relationship and you know what? That suits me perfectly because I still have Scotty to deal with and a whole bunch of my own crap. 

Just once I wish things were easier. 

Insert Girlish Squeal Here

SO much has happened!!! I don't even know where to start... 

I guess I should start with recapping Valentines Day.. how Alex came into work to visit me and sent me a text afterwards telling me I looked stunningly beautiful. That's just the start of it. 

See, there's this guy in his 50's, grey haired with this creepy pointed mustache that keeps bothering me at work. He keeps asking me out and won't take no for an answer. After about seven attempts, I'm really fed up! Usually it would feel great to have a guy being so persistent, but not if he's some divorcee, old enough to be my father and driving a mid-life crisis convertible sports car!

So... My lovely Alex friend swooped in and said he'd deal with him if I needed him to. He was so protectively, sadistically sweet... telling me that he'd beat him up with his own creepy arms that he would tear off from his body if he continued to harass me!!! I know that sounds crazy - but my cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much when I read that text. 

He even said I could say that he was my boyfriend to get him off my back! I mean, come on!! I wish he was my boyfriend....... whoops! Did I just say that out loud???

Anyway, I thanked him and he sent me back this jokey text telling me that his services didn't come cheap.

Flirting! Cha ching!!

So while he started to think about a suitable remuneration, we met up at the gym. We don't do much talking at the gym. It's all training time... which is fine by me because he is so damn delicious to just look at anyway. ESPECIALLY when he takes his shirt off and does pull-ups on the bars. I swear all the woman's jaws need to be pushed back up from the floor! It's crazy how hot he is.
Yet... after gym... he sent me a text saying I look stunning in my gym outfit! ME. I don't even HAVE a real gym outfit!! I have old worn out trainers with the soles half torn off, my mothers old cycling shorts and a plane white vest. But he thinks I look good!

Here's where I decided to be ballsy... lately he's been texting me every morning to say he hopes I have a good day (awww!) but today I decided it was my turn to wish him a good day first. 

So I did:

Good morning! It is going to be a beeeeeeautiful day. Hope you have a good one x

I like to think it was happy, positive and not too 'take me now!' If you know what I mean? A few minutes later my phone buzzed to life with his reply:

Good morning pretty lady! Have a great day!

Pretty lady! 

Yip. 

Me! 

I actually cannot contain my glee.

So I did what I had to do... I grabbed my window of opportunity and flew right through it.

I waited a few hours before texting him back:

How is your day going handsome? ;)

Yes, I winked. Crap. 

I felt much more confident before I pressed the send button. I wasn't sure if that was a little too forward. But then again, he called me 'Pretty Lady,' so why can't I call him, 'Handsome?' 

Two can play at this game!

Things seemed to be going SO great... until I saw him at gym again. I approached him with a shy smile and he hugged me hello. I didn't even care that he was all sticky with sweat. 

We started discussing our weekend plans and he told me he was off to the city for some work things and then to see friends. I knew what he meant. He was off to see Whitney. 

Those of you who have started to read my blog regularly will know she's the new girl on the scene, even though he says that he isn't seeing anyone and that she's just a special friend. 

Damnit. 

I didn't lead on that I knew he was going to see her - because I don't want to come across as jealous or anything... I'm not really jealous. I can't be jealous at this stage because nothings even happened between us. But I'm confused. 

Why won't he tell me he's seeing someone??? 

But it doesn't stop there.........

After gym I texted him and told him to travel safely and he texted back:

Hope you have a great evening pretty lady!

It still makes me weak at the knees.... 

He'd had a hair cut, so I texted him back:

Thanks! Nice hair cut btw! So whats new with you? We don't get to chat much at the gym. I almost had a date last night but I freaked out and cancelled it at the last minute!

That part wasn't exactly a lie. I did have a date planned the other night actually... with an Indian! It wouldn't have been romantic or anything... but I just wanted to learn more about Indian food and culture so I'd got talking to someone but he started making me feel a bit weird. He was asking me what I was wearing and asking for 'selfies,' which isn't really my thing..... so I bailed. 

Haha! Why? Poor guy! Not too much happening with me. Just plodding along!

In between our texts, I'd found my way to a bar close to home. I needed a drink after hearing that Alex would be seeing Whitney.... alcohol numbs my confusion. 

After a refreshing drink, I had the courage to finally make a big move by texting him back:

I just don't see a connection with him to be honest.. so why waste time? Plus he turned out to be a bit of a creep anyway. 

Plus I am kinda perving over someone else ;)

I winked again. Yes. 

Oh so subtle, mystery girl. 

There was no going back once I'd sent him that message. 

Ohhhhh shit. 

Haha! He must have been pretty devastated! 

Who are you perving over? 

My heart started thundering in my chest. What the HELL was I supposed to text him back now!?! There's no way I could be so forward as to just say, 'You!' Could I???

With the help of the barman, the restaurant manager and a friend (three guys more clueless in love than me,) they helped me type my response:

You can know... in exchange for my I.O.U

If you're willing to part with that?

This would be the perfect remuneration for helping me get rid of the old guy with the creepy mustache. But a part of me was sure he wouldn't cash that I.O.U in just yet. 

Deal! I think that is a pretty fair trade.

Damnit. No really.... that's actually what I texted him back. Now I'd really put my foot in it!!!

He texted me again shortly after:

You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. 

Everything in good time... 

But now I wanted to tell him. I'd liked him for weeks - if not months already. The reality was that I had met him months ago when he was still dating Marissa. I'd been at a concert with some friends that knew them and got introduced to him that night. Even back then, I was drooling over him. You just don't GET guys like that.... he is everything. Smart, successful, stunning, strong and seriously sweet. 

After a LONG think about what to say back, I finally slowly typed:

I met him at a concert. 

You couldn't get more obvious if you tried. 

It was done!

Now he knew.

Phew....

Two minutes later his response came through:

Oh! That's nice! Which concert may this be? Is it possibly the one from last year where I missed the majority of the concert? Lucky guy! 

Yes, yes it was. The one and only. 

But he was now playing dumb.... come on!!!!! Argh..... 

Yes. I only met one guy that night..... ok.. enough said. Blushing now.

Now he HAD to get the hints. He was the only one I'd met that night.

By now, my heart was racing as though I'd just finished a 1000 meter sprint!

Haha! There were a lot of guys there that night! I think this is a discussion we need to have in person!

In person! He wants to talk about it in person. Like mature adults. 

Yes!!!!

Just say when... haha have a great eve Dr. Alex!

I wanted to end the conversation there. I wanted to give it space and time to sink in for both of us. 

When I'm back from the city. Have a great evening!

So we're meeting up next week and while I'm practically glowing with happiness, I kind of have a hope that Alex is on the other end of the phone doing something like this:

I'll let you know how our meeting goes!

Have a great weekend everyone!!

I am Sherlock Holmes....... (and Mystery Girl, obviously.....)

So, I survived Valentines Day... I didn't turn into a fiance or a zombie from The Walking Dead. My pimples are slowly on the mend. There are no new ones rearing their ugly heads (literally,). 

To be honest, I wasn't sure I liked this Valentines Day at all. It was so different from all of the others. I'd always been spoiled on Valentines Day... but always by people I didn't really want to spoil me. There would be rose petals and heart shaped chocolates, bottles of wine and the gimmicky cards. This year there was none of that... until about midday. 

When I looked out of the window at work and saw the lady from the flower shop shuttling towards me, I wanted to sink down into my seat and hide. It's always a bit embarrassing to receive flowers isn't it??? But after an entire day of my Facebook and Instagram being flooded by everyone else's spoils, I finally felt like I was part of the love.....

Strangely though, the beautiful box filled with red roses weren't from Scotty..... or Alex. 

They were from Devon. 

Devon

I haven't introduced you to Devon before... I'm not really sure why. 

He's liked me for about five months now - but you know when someone puts themselves so out there for you that it's no fun? Even us girls like a bit of a challenge. We don't like people throwing themselves at us. 

Devon is such a wonderful person. He's kind and smart, creative and just a really good person. He's just not my type though. I've TRIED so hard to make him my type because I know he'd treat me  golden.... but I can't. 

How do you tell someone that you just don't see them that way without hurting their feelings? Is that even possible??? 

I don't want to lose him as a friend or a part of my life - but if I tell him I'm just not that into him (see what I did there? Ha!) I know I will lose him forever. 

He thinks Scotty and I have split up. Which we had done when we spoke on the phone a few days ago. But Scotty asked to give us another chance and I am trying..... I just don't have the heart to tell Devon that Scotty and I aren't entirely finished at this stage. Why??? Because I'll lose Devon. He'll hate me - or the decisions that I'm making anyway. He thinks that Scotty is no good for me... that the drugs and drinking and ex girlfriend always lurking around is just wrong for me. 

Devon is convinced that he is the one that can make me happy. But I'm not convinced. He just doesn't have that sharp edge that I like in a guy.

Anyway....

Before the flowers came, Alex popped into my work..... on Valentine's Day.

Granted I did ask him to. I had a question about some technical gadget I needed his help with. But he came.......! And I showed him around and we chatted for a while... oh God he looked good!!! He had just finished up a session at the gym.... I think I literally wiped drool from my face. 

After he'd left he sent me a message.... the message that made my Valentine's Day perfect. 

He told me that I looked stunningly beautiful. 

I literally squealed in response. 

I felt like a new level to my lust for him was reached - like maybe for the first time he actually noticed me as something more than just a gym friend.......

I then decided to be a bit ballsy and told him that he ALWAYS looks good.... blush. I did it in a funny way in which I hoped he would laugh. 

He told me that I was making him blush. 

He carried on chatting a bit - which was so wonderful... we were finally breaking free from the awkward small talk and really getting somewhere... 

But then the flowers came......... and I wondered, are they from him!? They couldn't be, could they?! But no. The card had Devon's name scrawled across it. 

I still appreciated them so much. They were beautiful. But my disappointment could not be masked. I just wanted Alex to make a move. 

Whitney

I asked him if he had sent anyone flowers and he said he had, to someone special in another town. 

My heart sank. 

WHAT!? Who was she!?!?

So I did a Facebook snoop, naturally..... 

Whitney. That's who.

Yip.... he's got someone special alright. Another skinny blonde that wears about enough makeup to fill up The Body Shop stock in one day... but she seemed to have a bit more depth to herself at least. From her Facebook page I could see she'd hiked Kilimanjaro and was involved in saving animals..... the perfect woman. Great. 

Her status' were all about how lucky she was to have Alex in her life and how excited she is to be seeing him in a weeks time. 

By now my heart had splattered onto the floor and was shriveling up into nothingness. 

I missed my chance. He'd already moved on. Maybe I never had a chance in the beginning anyway... 

I texted him back and told him that she was a lucky lady and that I was sorry for what I'd said about him always looking good.... I said that I felt like such a dick now..... which I did. 

He told me he wasn't seeing someone else, but that she was just a special friend.... Hmm...... 

I didn't want to say I'd just seen her Facebook page filled with sickeningly loved up status' about him. I would seem like a stalker!!! Which I'm really not! But sometimes, you need to go a bit Sherlock Holmes to get some answers!! Right?!? 

He then said to me that he'd just wanted to see my reaction when he told me he sent someone special flowers.... 

I WAS SO CONFUSED BY THIS POINT!!!

I asked him why but he ended the conversation so abruptly after that.... he said if he continued talking he'd just dig himself into a hole and that this was a conversation for another day.

The day after Valentines Day he sent me a message saying that he hoped I had a good Sunday. Gah.....! 

I texted back asking him when this conversation was going to take place. I mean, what did I have to lose anyway, right??? 

I don't like wasting time. If an opportunity presents itself to me, I take it. It's how I've always lived and how I always will. 

He told me then that it will happen one day........ when the time is right. 

As confusing and as annoying as this situation is... I can't help but still just want him. He's everything I have ever wanted.... and more. 

As for the rest of my Valentines Day... I saw Scotty. 

It was nothing like what we'd planned. The ring shopping didn't happen... instead, I sat at a table around a bunch of people in their 60's for a couple of hours swigging back beer. It was the only thing that kept me from losing my mind. 

I didn't even care that the ring shopping didn't happen. Nothing that we planned really happened the way that it was supposed to.... but then, there's a quote that goes something like this:

'You Need To Give Up The Life You Planned 

In Order To Have The Life That Is Waiting For You.'

I just don't know what's waiting for me around the next bend...... I guess there's only one way to find out. 

Today marks my 5 month anniversary of being with Scotty. I am trying... I really am. Although I don't really know why. After our breakup things have seemed a little bit better - we both got a lot off of our chests that needed to be said..... but lets face it, if Alex was to finally take a leap of faith and give me a shot instead of pursuing this Whitney girl, I'd be pretty ecstatic. 

While Scotty and I were driving around over the weekend I asked him about drugs... and he said to me that he will do it again, he's sure of it. 

I asked him if he will ever stop for good and he said yes, when I am pregnant. 

I hated that answer. 

I don't want the future father of my child to be doing drugs until that moment. What are the chances of him stopping after that?? And if I trust him and he does do drugs again once I'm already pregnant, then it's already too late. 

There's so much to this complicated love story. I just wish it could be simple. Just for a day. I wish I could tell Devon that I just don't see him that way and I wish that he would accept that and still remain my friend. I wish that I could have the guts to breakup with Scotty without worrying that he will do something stupid like kill himself... I wish that Alex would just get over whatever is holding him back and I wish that he would tell me how he feels. 

I wish that I knew how to make all of that possible. But I don't. 

So I walk blindly along, fitting in the puzzle pieces bit by bit.... and share with you the story. 

I hope you're enjoying it. 

Writing it all out like this is such a fantastic outlet. I love just letting it all free... and I love reading your amazing comments back to me.

Thank you. 

A Step in the Right Direction

I've taken a big step in what I hope is the right direction. 

Today is my first day off of 'the pill.' 

I'm not stopping it so that I can fall pregnant - that's the furthest thing from what I want at this stage of my life. In fact, I may possibly be the female version of Peter Pan! I just don't want to grow up.

No, I'm stopping the pill so that I can get my hormones back to normal. 

I'm very sensitive when it comes to the pill. It completes mucks up my emotions and hormones and turns me into an absolute gremlin. 

Since I started the pill about four months ago when Scotty came bursting into my life, I've noticed a big change in myself. 

I'm so much more sensitive and high strung. I get upset at the smallest of things and I really just don't feel like the old me. The girl that would go running into the sea in the middle of the night and risk the chance of hypothermia because I just wanted to make the most of life.

I've changed - and it's not only me that has noticed it. Scotty said he noticed a change the second I started taking the pill and I have a sneaky suspicion that that's why we've been having so many issues lately. 

I know that going back to the old me isn't going to happen overnight. Going off the pill will probably worsen my hormones and emotions for a few weeks, which I've already told Scotty to brace himself for. But in the long run, it will be the best thing for me and for my relationship. 

With all of the stress that's been erupting lately, it's given me a nasty breakout as well. I had two super attractive looking blind pimples beneath my nose and another on my chin that resembles a witches wort. Fantastic really...... so last night I dabbed on some toothpaste and pottered around my apartment smelling like a fresh breath. 

This morning I've woken up to the heads of the pimples finally peaking through (oh my GOD it's so sore!!). 

I've never really suffered from bad skin before. My boss says that there's a thing called Adult Acne... and that sometimes adults get it if they didn't have bad skin when they were a teen. Almost like a late bloomer... which I guess could be plausible considering I was a late bloomer with everything else in life from getting my period, developing boobs and so forth.....

During my lunch break today, I'm heading out onto the stormy streets of London to try and fix my spot infested face. 

I think it's going to look like a Zombie from The Walking Dead got out to be honest... but then it is Friday the 13th so maybe I'll look the part:

Does anyone have any suggestion on what products take pimples away quickly?

So tomorrow after putting on some fake french manicured nails, Scotty and I are going ring shopping.... jeepers. 

I'm pretty devastated that our first Valentine's together is ruined by my face that resembles a connect-the-dots game... but hey...

Thank GOD for cover-up!!

Valentines Day, Proposals and Such...

OK that last post was like, WAYYYY too deep for my liking. I started this blog as a creative outlet, yes, but I wanted it to be done in a humorous and entertaining way... where I share with everyone my struggles through a mid-twenties love life! And that's what it's going to be... no more talk about depression and suicide.

With that said... here's the latest update in the life of me, Mystery Girl:

As women, we all dream of being proposed to. Who doesn't want that fairy-tale moment of a guy down on one knee, producing that little black velvety box with a sparkly diamond inside?

Scotty and I have been in an awful place - we've been bickering continuously and I know I'm the one to blame for it. I've started to instigate fights and I know it's because I haven't been 100% happy... but for all the negative about Scotty, there is also a mass amount of good.

Yesterday, after another one of our fighting matches, we basically split up... but in a desperate attempt to win me back he told me that the reason he'd just sold his motorbike was to buy me a ring.... 'the' ring.

He said that it was supposed to be a surprise but that the cat is now out of the bag.

I don't know if he's making it all up - I mean, just last weekend he was dragging me around marine shops looking for a kayak. Now suddenly he said the money for his bike was always intended for a engagement ring... who knows.

He then revealed the Valentines plans he had for us..... ring shopping.

RING SHOPPING......... on Valentines day.

Is a relationship of 5 months too soon to be heading in that direction?

I guess you do get those crazy in love couples that do it... when you know, you know! Right?

But do I know?

NOTHING is happening with Alex. As far as I can tell, he just thinks of me as a new gym friend and someone to talk to whenever he's interested.

He's gorgeous - he's successful, he's kind, he's funny, he's smart, he's creative and outdoorsy and pretty much everything that I could ever ask for...  but after the last couple of weeks, I haven't picked up one romantic connection between us.... (much to my dismay).

That's fine - I guess he just doesn't feel that way about me and that's OK.

We're friends (kind of...) and that's how I see it staying. So I have to stop the perving over his drool-worthy body and stop shaking at the knees every time he smiles at me or helps me with carrying weights in the gym.

It was nothing more than a fantasy... and now I need to let it go.

So after work this saturday it's off to the shops with Scotty to find out my ring size and to try on dozens of different rings so that he can gauge what I like.

We'll go watch a movie afterwards, I'm thinking Fifty Shades of Grey!

Have any of you seen it??

Perhaps we'll play ten-pin bowling and end the night off with some supper surprise that he has in store for us. He told me about it with a twinkle in his eye so I'm not 100% sure what he's up to but I have a feeling it may be him cooking lobster at home. I've been hinting towards wanting that FOREVER now.

I think he'll propose within the next couple of months and then I'll be a fiance.

After all I've told you about Scotty - do you think I'm mad for going along with this? Or do you think maybe, just maybe, this could be a chance to stop being the single girl with an endless supply of tossed up love stories?

Am I going to have that ring on my finger and become a crazed bride-to-be, attending wedding expo's and changing this blog into a wedding planner or will things take a completely different path???

It's all coming up.... in future episodes of Mystery Girl ... (and the exciting thing is that not even I know what is in store for me! I'm writing the story one day at a time. I hope you're enjoying it?!)

Until next time,

Mystery Girl

;)

Maybe I'm the problem... or is it the pill???

Have you ever been with someone and had no idea why? Like you're in this relationship with someone that you actually feel no real connection with but yet you just can't walk away?

As the time goes on, my attraction towards Scotty becomes less and less. 

I know it sounds awful to say it, but he just seems so stupid - and if we were to split up I really don't think it would effect me very much. 

He does really daft things... a lot. Things that make me wonder what the hell he was thinking! It is really annoying. I can't even think of any off the top of my head because they are all just so unbelievably thick. 

I realize I sound like a bitch.... and maybe I am. But even though he annoys the absolute living daylights out of me, I still stay with him. 

I've found out he's been lying to me a lot lately.... but I guess I've been lying to him too.... this attraction to the gorgeous doctor, Alex, isn't going away... but it isn't really progressing either. 

He definitely doesn't see me in that way. For a while I really thought that he might... but he'd have at least said something by now, wouldn't he??? 

Alex is too good for me. I know that....

Maybe I am destined to end up with a guy like Scotty... maybe that's my path. 

Scotty and I had a huge blow out last night and it ended with him telling me that he just sold his motorbike (for a lot of money!!!) to buy me an engagement ring. 

An engagement ring!!!

It isn't about a big sparkly diamond and designer wedding dress from Kleinfeld.... it isn't about some glamorous honeymoon on a yacht sailing through the Maldives...

But somewhere a part of me doesn't want to leave him. 

I had an absolute breakdown over the weekend - like literally I think I could have flooded the Nile river in Egypt with the amount of tears I shed. 

It was me being emotional about my parents alcoholism again...... that's how it started anyway... but once the waterworks had started they just wouldn't stop.... and he took me up to my bedroom and cradled me in his arms and just rocked me back and forth until I slipped into a blubbering sleep.

It's things like that he does that I really appreciate. He's there for me when I really need him to be. It is SUCH a catch 22 because at times he really makes me see a guy I could picture spending the rest of my life with but then at others he does something that annoys me beyond belief.

Worst of all I just don't feel like me anymore.

I don't feel like that free-spirited girl that pounced at the chance to do anything fun with him in the beginning.

Maybe it really is the pill.... it really does effect my hormones and emotions... but I spoke to the gynecologist about that the other day and she said she highly recommends staying on a contraceptive unless I am comfortable with falling pregnant right now.... which, given my current state of mine, I most certainly am not!!! 

But as it seems like I am really sensitive towards the pill and the estrogen and stuff it contains the only other thing she could recommend was a coil thing that goes INSIDE your lady bits....... it's apparently excruciatingly painful to insert.... so I downright refused.

Things like the injection and other contraceptive precautions wouldn't do me good. The pill I am on is such a mild one but yet it still effects me badly. I become a nightmare of a person and I hate it! 

I just want to feel like me again.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the problem.

So what do I do? Do I carry on sticking it out with Scotty? Do I wait for his proposal and hope that things get better? That one day when I'm off the pill my affection for him will come back??? At this point I actually really don't even find him hot anymore......... I hate admitting that!! 

I wouldn't even know how to breakup with him.... I've never been good at that. Plus, Scotty is on heavy anti-depressants and four years ago when his 'big'ex split up with him, he tried to kill himself. He'd told me about all of these ideas he'd had like throwing himself in front of a bus....

Now here I am going to get bitchy again..... 

HOW can someone think about throwing themselves in front of a bus?!? It's so selfish!! What about the poor driver. Imagine the damage you will do to him and how you will ruin his / her life. 

See, it's like sometimes he just doesn't think...

So I'd be scared to breakup with him. I AM scared to breakup with him... it's not that he's being manipulative.... although it might sound like it. He's got a few really serious issues in his life I'll admit, but I'm scared to leave him because for some reason I am scared to lose him even though I don't think it will be that a big of a deal if I do. 

Does that even make sense!!? No.... not it doesn't. See!?!? I am an emotional wreck right now!! Argh! 

I know this was a seriously heavy post.... 

It covers everything from suicide, hormones, relationship issues and more... 

I hope it wasn't too much for you all. 

I promise I'll try and make the next post a bit more light-hearted and enjoyable.... 

But you're thoughts and advice right now would be really appreciated... because lets face it, I need it!