The last few months I have been a wreck.
A big, fat, chaotic wreck. I still am today. I had a burger-pie and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps for lunch for God's sake. Not great for my first day of detoxing I'll admit.... though it's almost 3pm and I haven't uncorked that bottle of red over there yet so that's something!
I think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.
I can't fall in love. I can't be in love. I can't really even love. I mean, I love my family! Of course... but guys??? I don't think I can.
It's not that I don't want to. I do, I really do! But every time I try, once it gets passed that honeymoon stage, I get bored. I get annoyed. I get ready to move on.
I decided to try and push my commitment phobia (self diagnosed but I think I'm pretty spot on,) into the back of my head and take things further with Scott. At first it was going so well. Alex got into this serious relationship with Whitney and I took Scott back 100%. For a while everything was so great! Until recently.... I don't know if it's the fear of 'forever' but something is making me sabotage my relationship with Scott again. I even told him that I'm sabotaging us, because I know I am! But then I wonder if it really is all my fault the way he makes me think it is. Scott does some pretty shady things to me on almost a daily (or nightly) basis. For instance... he'll often call me and tell me he's just going to be home and have a relaxed evening in but when I call him later in the evening to say goodnight he won't answer. Then, the next day he'll casually drop in that he actually went out with some friends that night and didn't even let me know. Call me old fashioned, but I appreciate something as simple as a goodnight text. A 'Thinking of You. x' takes what? 15 seconds at most. C'mon. It's not a lot to ask for. Am I the only woman out there that gets angry that he doesn't tell me his plans? I mean, what if he'd had an accident??? I'd have thought he was at home by himself having a relaxing evening on the sofa and next thing he's gone!? That's not cool... and imagine what it would feel like if that really did happened. It would leave you wondering why he didn't tell you? What was he up to? It just doesn't fit well with me... then he gets all defensive and says he didn't realize he had to sit at home and be a good boy and that he didn't know he needed to ask me for permission.
I mean, what the HELL???
Anyway - I didn't really want to re-enter the blog world with a gigantic rant but to be honest that's how I'm feeling today and it's what's been going on. Right now I'm just trying to take it all in my stride. I'm sorry I've been so quiet, I just haven't been compelled to bore you with the ongoing Scott drama... and after I realized things with Alex would never work out and that he'd definitely chosen that Whit-bitch over me...
I was just done for a while. I needed a break. But I'm back, OK?! Hope ya'll feel good about that!
