Monday, 16 February 2015

I am Sherlock Holmes....... (and Mystery Girl, obviously.....)

So, I survived Valentines Day... I didn't turn into a fiance or a zombie from The Walking Dead. My pimples are slowly on the mend. There are no new ones rearing their ugly heads (literally,). 
To be honest, I wasn't sure I liked this Valentines Day at all. It was so different from all of the others. I'd always been spoiled on Valentines Day... but always by people I didn't really want to spoil me. There would be rose petals and heart shaped chocolates, bottles of wine and the gimmicky cards. This year there was none of that... until about midday. 

When I looked out of the window at work and saw the lady from the flower shop shuttling towards me, I wanted to sink down into my seat and hide. It's always a bit embarrassing to receive flowers isn't it??? But after an entire day of my Facebook and Instagram being flooded by everyone else's spoils, I finally felt like I was part of the love.....

Strangely though, the beautiful box filled with red roses weren't from Scotty..... or Alex. 
They were from Devon. 

Jason Sudeikis.
I haven't introduced you to Devon before... I'm not really sure why. 
He's liked me for about five months now - but you know when someone puts themselves so out there for you that it's no fun? Even us girls like a bit of a challenge. We don't like people throwing themselves at us. 
Devon is such a wonderful person. He's kind and smart, creative and just a really good person. He's just not my type though. I've TRIED so hard to make him my type because I know he'd treat me  golden.... but I can't. 
How do you tell someone that you just don't see them that way without hurting their feelings? Is that even possible??? 
I don't want to lose him as a friend or a part of my life - but if I tell him I'm just not that into him (see what I did there? Ha!) I know I will lose him forever. 
He thinks Scotty and I have split up. Which we had done when we spoke on the phone a few days ago. But Scotty asked to give us another chance and I am trying..... I just don't have the heart to tell Devon that Scotty and I aren't entirely finished at this stage. Why??? Because I'll lose Devon. He'll hate me - or the decisions that I'm making anyway. He thinks that Scotty is no good for me... that the drugs and drinking and ex girlfriend always lurking around is just wrong for me. 
Devon is convinced that he is the one that can make me happy. But I'm not convinced. He just doesn't have that sharp edge that I like in a guy.

Before the flowers came, Alex popped into my work..... on Valentine's Day.
Granted I did ask him to. I had a question about some technical gadget I needed his help with. But he came.......! And I showed him around and we chatted for a while... oh God he looked good!!! He had just finished up a session at the gym.... I think I literally wiped drool from my face. 

After he'd left he sent me a message.... the message that made my Valentine's Day perfect. 
He told me that I looked stunningly beautiful. 
I literally squealed in response. 
I felt like a new level to my lust for him was reached - like maybe for the first time he actually noticed me as something more than just a gym friend.......
I then decided to be a bit ballsy and told him that he ALWAYS looks good.... blush. I did it in a funny way in which I hoped he would laugh. 
He told me that I was making him blush. 
He carried on chatting a bit - which was so wonderful... we were finally breaking free from the awkward small talk and really getting somewhere... 
But then the flowers came......... and I wondered, are they from him!? They couldn't be, could they?! But no. The card had Devon's name scrawled across it. 
I still appreciated them so much. They were beautiful. But my disappointment could not be masked. I just wanted Alex to make a move. #face
I asked him if he had sent anyone flowers and he said he had, to someone special in another town. 
My heart sank. 
WHAT!? Who was she!?!?
So I did a Facebook snoop, naturally..... 
Whitney. That's who.

Yip.... he's got someone special alright. Another skinny blonde that wears about enough makeup to fill up The Body Shop stock in one day... but she seemed to have a bit more depth to herself at least. From her Facebook page I could see she'd hiked Kilimanjaro and was involved in saving animals..... the perfect woman. Great. 
Her status' were all about how lucky she was to have Alex in her life and how excited she is to be seeing him in a weeks time. 
By now my heart had splattered onto the floor and was shriveling up into nothingness. 
I missed my chance. He'd already moved on. Maybe I never had a chance in the beginning anyway... 
I texted him back and told him that she was a lucky lady and that I was sorry for what I'd said about him always looking good.... I said that I felt like such a dick now..... which I did. 
He told me he wasn't seeing someone else, but that she was just a special friend.... Hmm...... 
I didn't want to say I'd just seen her Facebook page filled with sickeningly loved up status' about him. I would seem like a stalker!!! Which I'm really not! But sometimes, you need to go a bit Sherlock Holmes to get some answers!! Right?!? 
He then said to me that he'd just wanted to see my reaction when he told me he sent someone special flowers.... 
I asked him why but he ended the conversation so abruptly after that.... he said if he continued talking he'd just dig himself into a hole and that this was a conversation for another day.

The day after Valentines Day he sent me a message saying that he hoped I had a good Sunday. Gah.....! 
I texted back asking him when this conversation was going to take place. I mean, what did I have to lose anyway, right??? 
I don't like wasting time. If an opportunity presents itself to me, I take it. It's how I've always lived and how I always will. 
He told me then that it will happen one day........ when the time is right. 

As confusing and as annoying as this situation is... I can't help but still just want him. He's everything I have ever wanted.... and more. 

As for the rest of my Valentines Day... I saw Scotty. 
It was nothing like what we'd planned. The ring shopping didn't happen... instead, I sat at a table around a bunch of people in their 60's for a couple of hours swigging back beer. It was the only thing that kept me from losing my mind. 
I didn't even care that the ring shopping didn't happen. Nothing that we planned really happened the way that it was supposed to.... but then, there's a quote that goes something like this:

'You Need To Give Up The Life You Planned 
In Order To Have The Life That Is Waiting For You.'

I just don't know what's waiting for me around the next bend...... I guess there's only one way to find out. 

Today marks my 5 month anniversary of being with Scotty. I am trying... I really am. Although I don't really know why. After our breakup things have seemed a little bit better - we both got a lot off of our chests that needed to be said..... but lets face it, if Alex was to finally take a leap of faith and give me a shot instead of pursuing this Whitney girl, I'd be pretty ecstatic. 

While Scotty and I were driving around over the weekend I asked him about drugs... and he said to me that he will do it again, he's sure of it. 
I asked him if he will ever stop for good and he said yes, when I am pregnant. 
I hated that answer. 
I don't want the future father of my child to be doing drugs until that moment. What are the chances of him stopping after that?? And if I trust him and he does do drugs again once I'm already pregnant, then it's already too late. 

There's so much to this complicated love story. I just wish it could be simple. Just for a day. I wish I could tell Devon that I just don't see him that way and I wish that he would accept that and still remain my friend. I wish that I could have the guts to breakup with Scotty without worrying that he will do something stupid like kill himself... I wish that Alex would just get over whatever is holding him back and I wish that he would tell me how he feels. 
I wish that I knew how to make all of that possible. But I don't. 
So I walk blindly along, fitting in the puzzle pieces bit by bit.... and share with you the story. 

I hope you're enjoying it. 
Writing it all out like this is such a fantastic outlet. I love just letting it all free... and I love reading your amazing comments back to me.
Thank you. 


  1. Life is not simple... how I wish it was... that is why I never try to tell someone else how to live their lives... for crying out loud, I don't know how to live my own half the time.

    I just hope you do what is right for you... whatever it is that will make you happy... For me, although I am alone (and I really dislike it).... I no longer just want someone... today I want that guy that will go the extra mile and a half and show me I am important to him.. I want him to jump through a hoop of fire for me, I deserve that... so do you... so do we all...

    I tire so easily of game playing, I am not a game player and when a guy plays with my head, I lose interest quickly... (it was not always that way) but being burned several times has given me a new perspective... I guess it true that with age wisdom can come... not always but sometimes... It still sucks being alone though but I am learning to get through..

    Good luck with your choices... and be happy :)

  2. i am not a valentine's day person either , i stayed home and watched me some CSI series. Great post

  3. You're not the only one:). Valentine's Day is just another day on the calender. I don't see it why so important just only one day. We should make every day is as important as it as Valentine's Day.

    Thanks for sharing:).

  4. I'm so glad that we don't celebrate the V-day over here haha. I really hope you and Alex get together :D Happy Tuesday!

    xx /

  5. I went out with a Devon for a while but had to end it. It was so frustrating because he was so nice and I know he would never do anything to hurt me and always would treat me right, but if it's right, it's not right.

    As for Alex. GRRRR!

    Corinne x

  6. I suppose that Alex fell in love with you and I think you will be a couple with him. Don't trust Scotty that he will stop taking drugs, even if you will be pregnant. Men would never change.

  7. Poor Devon..happens all the time..the one's we should like are the ones we don't! As for Scotty, he lost me at 'drugs' he needs help and you need to move on doll..Alex sounds like he's playing 'games'...don't fall for it...sit back and let his actions speak for themselves not his words!

  8. Now, I feel sorry for the poor Devon. Imagine yourself in his shoes...wouldn't you want an honest answer from Alex? If he really likes ' his special friend', wouldn't you like to know? If Alex is the one you really want, than go for it. That's just my advice, you have to decide for yourself. Five months with Scotty...that's not exactly a long relationship- and if it wa s never pefect is it worth it...only you know the answer.

  9. Oh, you are such a lucky lady, you have so men fighting for you! There is always someone like Devon who does not want to accept that the girl is not for him.. My Valentine's day has become an event for the whole family as it's the day when it's almost impossible to get a babysitter, so we end up going out with the kids! :) Well, it could be worse, I suppose.

  10. Nothing in our life is simple, how bad I wish it could be! Your love story is at an interesting point, I hope Alex would just accept it soon because it seems so obvious and this Whitney girl sounds more like a clingy i-am-your-bestie kind of person. Stay optimistic x
    Noor's Place

  11. Ick, guy drama. I do not envy your situation, particularly with Scotty's drug problem. Is there any way that could get professionally treated? His dependence on you to be sober is frightening

  12. Thanks for the follow! Following you back!

  13. Great post love! And I believe that we should celebrate each day as valentine's day and love should not be sticked to only one day! ;)

    Keep in touch

  14. Hello, very interesting post.

    Life is full of twists and turns and sometimes we feel we are in a maze. But things will work out not according to our plan but in the way which will be best for us. So keep hoping and have confidence that everything will work out alright in the end.

    Best wishes

  15. Well that's really good that you have so many people in your life who really love to shower flowers and gifts on you. But yes it might be irritating because expression of love should not be sticked to just one day! ;)

    Happy Monday

  16. Oh geez girl. How many guys do you have lusting after you! *attempts to hide envy from plain sight* LOL. Oh you poor thing, I can't imagine how truly confusing everything must be. Devon, wow, what can I say? I wish I had the answer for that one, or the right words to say. All I can think of is to tell him you got back together and maybe slip in the "your a great friend" at some point during conversations. Not making it so blunt, just casually slipping it in, like over beers or if he's giving you advice on something like a microwave (I don't know what exactly, but you get my drift. I know microwave was completely random too). It's an innocent sentence, slipped in at the right time that will make your feelings clear to him, without intentionally having that awkward talk. And then there is Alex! I don't know what to say! Trying to make you jealous? The right time? Could it be he is waiting for you to become available? I mean this guy farts rainbows and probably poops unicorns so is it really surprising that he'd wait until you were a free women to make a move. God he's a keeper! Sorry Scotty. Well, that's the kind of vibes I'm feeling right now. He's a gentlemen and won't cross that line.

    I think.


  17. Oh, dear to be caught in between not wanting to lose a friend over feelings and hurting them to tell them the truth. I think no matter how, "there's no easy way to break somebody's heart". But the best way to do it is to do it quick (as early as possible).

    It's okay to give chances. You never want to live in regret and look back at the 'what ifs'.

    Love, love, love. So mysterious. Can't live with it, can't live without it. ;)