So, I survived Valentines Day... I didn't turn into a fiance or a zombie from The Walking Dead. My pimples are slowly on the mend. There are no new ones rearing their ugly heads (literally,).
To be honest, I wasn't sure I liked this Valentines Day at all. It was so different from all of the others. I'd always been spoiled on Valentines Day... but always by people I didn't really want to spoil me. There would be rose petals and heart shaped chocolates, bottles of wine and the gimmicky cards. This year there was none of that... until about midday.
When I looked out of the window at work and saw the lady from the flower shop shuttling towards me, I wanted to sink down into my seat and hide. It's always a bit embarrassing to receive flowers isn't it??? But after an entire day of my Facebook and Instagram being flooded by everyone else's spoils, I finally felt like I was part of the love.....
Strangely though, the beautiful box filled with red roses weren't from Scotty..... or Alex.
They were from Devon.
I haven't introduced you to Devon before... I'm not really sure why.
He's liked me for about five months now - but you know when someone puts themselves so out there for you that it's no fun? Even us girls like a bit of a challenge. We don't like people throwing themselves at us.
Devon is such a wonderful person. He's kind and smart, creative and just a really good person. He's just not my type though. I've TRIED so hard to make him my type because I know he'd treat me golden.... but I can't.
How do you tell someone that you just don't see them that way without hurting their feelings? Is that even possible???
I don't want to lose him as a friend or a part of my life - but if I tell him I'm just not that into him (see what I did there? Ha!) I know I will lose him forever.
He thinks Scotty and I have split up. Which we had done when we spoke on the phone a few days ago. But Scotty asked to give us another chance and I am trying..... I just don't have the heart to tell Devon that Scotty and I aren't entirely finished at this stage. Why??? Because I'll lose Devon. He'll hate me - or the decisions that I'm making anyway. He thinks that Scotty is no good for me... that the drugs and drinking and ex girlfriend always lurking around is just wrong for me.
Devon is convinced that he is the one that can make me happy. But I'm not convinced. He just doesn't have that sharp edge that I like in a guy.
Before the flowers came, Alex popped into my work..... on Valentine's Day.
Granted I did ask him to. I had a question about some technical gadget I needed his help with. But he came.......! And I showed him around and we chatted for a while... oh God he looked good!!! He had just finished up a session at the gym.... I think I literally wiped drool from my face.
After he'd left he sent me a message.... the message that made my Valentine's Day perfect.
He told me that I looked stunningly beautiful.
I literally squealed in response.
I felt like a new level to my lust for him was reached - like maybe for the first time he actually noticed me as something more than just a gym friend.......
I then decided to be a bit ballsy and told him that he ALWAYS looks good.... blush. I did it in a funny way in which I hoped he would laugh.
He told me that I was making him blush.
He carried on chatting a bit - which was so wonderful... we were finally breaking free from the awkward small talk and really getting somewhere...
But then the flowers came......... and I wondered, are they from him!? They couldn't be, could they?! But no. The card had Devon's name scrawled across it.
I still appreciated them so much. They were beautiful. But my disappointment could not be masked. I just wanted Alex to make a move.
I asked him if he had sent anyone flowers and he said he had, to someone special in another town.
My heart sank.
WHAT!? Who was she!?!?
So I did a Facebook snoop, naturally.....
Whitney. That's who.
Yip.... he's got someone special alright. Another skinny blonde that wears about enough makeup to fill up The Body Shop stock in one day... but she seemed to have a bit more depth to herself at least. From her Facebook page I could see she'd hiked Kilimanjaro and was involved in saving animals..... the perfect woman. Great.
Her status' were all about how lucky she was to have Alex in her life and how excited she is to be seeing him in a weeks time.
By now my heart had splattered onto the floor and was shriveling up into nothingness.
I missed my chance. He'd already moved on. Maybe I never had a chance in the beginning anyway...
I texted him back and told him that she was a lucky lady and that I was sorry for what I'd said about him always looking good.... I said that I felt like such a dick now..... which I did.
He told me he wasn't seeing someone else, but that she was just a special friend.... Hmm......
I didn't want to say I'd just seen her Facebook page filled with sickeningly loved up status' about him. I would seem like a stalker!!! Which I'm really not! But sometimes, you need to go a bit Sherlock Holmes to get some answers!! Right?!?
He then said to me that he'd just wanted to see my reaction when he told me he sent someone special flowers....
I WAS SO CONFUSED BY THIS POINT!!!
I asked him why but he ended the conversation so abruptly after that.... he said if he continued talking he'd just dig himself into a hole and that this was a conversation for another day.
The day after Valentines Day he sent me a message saying that he hoped I had a good Sunday. Gah.....!
I texted back asking him when this conversation was going to take place. I mean, what did I have to lose anyway, right???
I don't like wasting time. If an opportunity presents itself to me, I take it. It's how I've always lived and how I always will.
He told me then that it will happen one day........ when the time is right.
As confusing and as annoying as this situation is... I can't help but still just want him. He's everything I have ever wanted.... and more.
As for the rest of my Valentines Day... I saw Scotty.
It was nothing like what we'd planned. The ring shopping didn't happen... instead, I sat at a table around a bunch of people in their 60's for a couple of hours swigging back beer. It was the only thing that kept me from losing my mind.
I didn't even care that the ring shopping didn't happen. Nothing that we planned really happened the way that it was supposed to.... but then, there's a quote that goes something like this:
'You Need To Give Up The Life You Planned
In Order To Have The Life That Is Waiting For You.'
I just don't know what's waiting for me around the next bend...... I guess there's only one way to find out.
Today marks my 5 month anniversary of being with Scotty. I am trying... I really am. Although I don't really know why. After our breakup things have seemed a little bit better - we both got a lot off of our chests that needed to be said..... but lets face it, if Alex was to finally take a leap of faith and give me a shot instead of pursuing this Whitney girl, I'd be pretty ecstatic.
While Scotty and I were driving around over the weekend I asked him about drugs... and he said to me that he will do it again, he's sure of it.
I asked him if he will ever stop for good and he said yes, when I am pregnant.
I hated that answer.
I don't want the future father of my child to be doing drugs until that moment. What are the chances of him stopping after that?? And if I trust him and he does do drugs again once I'm already pregnant, then it's already too late.
There's so much to this complicated love story. I just wish it could be simple. Just for a day. I wish I could tell Devon that I just don't see him that way and I wish that he would accept that and still remain my friend. I wish that I could have the guts to breakup with Scotty without worrying that he will do something stupid like kill himself... I wish that Alex would just get over whatever is holding him back and I wish that he would tell me how he feels.
I wish that I knew how to make all of that possible. But I don't.
So I walk blindly along, fitting in the puzzle pieces bit by bit.... and share with you the story.
I hope you're enjoying it.
Writing it all out like this is such a fantastic outlet. I love just letting it all free... and I love reading your amazing comments back to me.