Sunday, 8 February 2015

Maybe I'm the problem... or is it the pill???

Have you ever been with someone and had no idea why? Like you're in this relationship with someone that you actually feel no real connection with but yet you just can't walk away?

As the time goes on, my attraction towards Scotty becomes less and less. 
I know it sounds awful to say it, but he just seems so stupid - and if we were to split up I really don't think it would effect me very much. 
He does really daft things... a lot. Things that make me wonder what the hell he was thinking! It is really annoying. I can't even think of any off the top of my head because they are all just so unbelievably thick. 
I realize I sound like a bitch.... and maybe I am. But even though he annoys the absolute living daylights out of me, I still stay with him. 

I've found out he's been lying to me a lot lately.... but I guess I've been lying to him too.... this attraction to the gorgeous doctor, Alex, isn't going away... but it isn't really progressing either. 
He definitely doesn't see me in that way. For a while I really thought that he might... but he'd have at least said something by now, wouldn't he??? 

Alex is too good for me. I know that....
Maybe I am destined to end up with a guy like Scotty... maybe that's my path. 

Scotty and I had a huge blow out last night and it ended with him telling me that he just sold his motorbike (for a lot of money!!!) to buy me an engagement ring. 
An engagement ring!!!
It isn't about a big sparkly diamond and designer wedding dress from Kleinfeld.... it isn't about some glamorous honeymoon on a yacht sailing through the Maldives...
But somewhere a part of me doesn't want to leave him. 

I had an absolute breakdown over the weekend - like literally I think I could have flooded the Nile river in Egypt with the amount of tears I shed. 
It was me being emotional about my parents alcoholism again...... that's how it started anyway... but once the waterworks had started they just wouldn't stop.... and he took me up to my bedroom and cradled me in his arms and just rocked me back and forth until I slipped into a blubbering sleep.
It's things like that he does that I really appreciate. He's there for me when I really need him to be. It is SUCH a catch 22 because at times he really makes me see a guy I could picture spending the rest of my life with but then at others he does something that annoys me beyond belief.

Worst of all I just don't feel like me anymore.
I don't feel like that free-spirited girl that pounced at the chance to do anything fun with him in the beginning.
Maybe it really is the pill.... it really does effect my hormones and emotions... but I spoke to the gynecologist about that the other day and she said she highly recommends staying on a contraceptive unless I am comfortable with falling pregnant right now.... which, given my current state of mine, I most certainly am not!!! 
But as it seems like I am really sensitive towards the pill and the estrogen and stuff it contains the only other thing she could recommend was a coil thing that goes INSIDE your lady bits....... it's apparently excruciatingly painful to insert.... so I downright refused.
Things like the injection and other contraceptive precautions wouldn't do me good. The pill I am on is such a mild one but yet it still effects me badly. I become a nightmare of a person and I hate it! 

I just want to feel like me again.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the problem.

So what do I do? Do I carry on sticking it out with Scotty? Do I wait for his proposal and hope that things get better? That one day when I'm off the pill my affection for him will come back??? At this point I actually really don't even find him hot anymore......... I hate admitting that!! 

I wouldn't even know how to breakup with him.... I've never been good at that. Plus, Scotty is on heavy anti-depressants and four years ago when his 'big'ex split up with him, he tried to kill himself. He'd told me about all of these ideas he'd had like throwing himself in front of a bus....
Now here I am going to get bitchy again..... 
HOW can someone think about throwing themselves in front of a bus?!? It's so selfish!! What about the poor driver. Imagine the damage you will do to him and how you will ruin his / her life. 
See, it's like sometimes he just doesn't think...

So I'd be scared to breakup with him. I AM scared to breakup with him... it's not that he's being manipulative.... although it might sound like it. He's got a few really serious issues in his life I'll admit, but I'm scared to leave him because for some reason I am scared to lose him even though I don't think it will be that a big of a deal if I do. 

Does that even make sense!!? No.... not it doesn't. See!?!? I am an emotional wreck right now!! Argh! 

I know this was a seriously heavy post.... 
It covers everything from suicide, hormones, relationship issues and more... 
I hope it wasn't too much for you all. 
I promise I'll try and make the next post a bit more light-hearted and enjoyable.... 

But you're thoughts and advice right now would be really appreciated... because lets face it, I need it!


  1. I agree this was a serious post but I liked the way you shared your feelings. Everyone goes through ups and downs in life and I can easily relate to your story. If its not working better leave it and start a fresh life. Whatever is yours will eventually come to you, if he is meant to be there in your life, he will come back but with more positivity around. Wish you a wonderful week ahead! <3


  2. Sometimes we do get really emotional and everything seems to be falling apart. And sometimes the guy who seems oh-so-perfect has these flaws that become more glaring as time passes. Only you can decide if those are things you can live with (or without). Don't be afraid of your emotions or for feeling things because that is what makes you the passionate and caring person that you are. Email me if you'd like more nuggets of wisdom but we're all just guessing here at this point, don't you think?

  3. First, I want to thank you for your comment... I have a private blog so I can rant because my open blog has pictures of me and my family and friends read it... I must be in the ranting mood at the moment as I started writing a new blog post again and I be that one will end up in the private blog too... argh... I should just send it to him...

    Anyway as far as being afraid Scotty will do something stupid if you break up with him. You are not responsible for his behavior or actions... he has to answer for them. I am with you able his being selfish when thinking of jumping in front of a bus... he would really hurt more people than himself. However; you cannot stay with just because of that. I think you need to decide what you want...

    Because first and foremost, you do deserve a good man, I had that mentality you had... when 'he' showed up back in my life I originally thought I was SO lucky that he wanted to be with me... he seemed to be such a sweet man and I was so messed up... do you know what happened in the last year or so... I realized that 'he' was lucky to have me, I was there for him and I never would have judged him in any way shape or form. He only seemed like he was so wonderful, he was just like us, just better at covering it... no one is perfect, no one is better than us and we do not deserve a certain type of person.

    We deserve someone who loves us and someone that wants to be better ... someone who would be there for us in our crazy times, knowing that we are worth it... that is what I would have done for him. However; today I have decided that I won't settle for a man that won't do the same for me because I am worth it and so are you...

    The pill does crazy things to us and I am grateful that part of my life is over... I have tried all types of birth control, they all have side affects... I picked the least intrusive one for me and it still had effects...

  4. That guy isn't good for you! You should leave him!

    xx Mira

  5. hm.. i cannot tell u if he is for you or not... what i cant tell you is that you will never be able to built healthy relations with new guy as long as old one will be around... good luck with your choices :)

  6. ohh, i don't even know what to say, in any case it sounds like there's some big changes ahead in your life. i think that maybe you should take some time to think about all this even more before deciding what you do. then again, if you really don't want to stay, you probably shouldn't. and if you do breakup with him, even though it isn't necessarily your responsibility, maybe just keep on checking that he'll be ok. but maybe, these are just passing feelings, what do i know! xx

  7. I'm sorry to hear you're so torn about this. Scotty does sound like he has both good and bad points. I guess the question is, does the good outweigh the bad?

    Corinne x

  8. ohhh you need be strong girl! yea relationships are not too easy to deal with it. But ok, it will be a little bit cruel but everyone should care just about himself. I just dont trust people too much, so we need to be happy and try to not think about another people too much. Our happiness should go first (ok, probably after when we r having our kids, kids are coming frist...but of the kids are still not existing we should be number one)

  9. Only you know if you should stay or leave him. It doesn't sound promising, nor healthy hun. And I don't think you should stay in a relationship but for the fact that he's tried to kill himself before.. That's a heavy thing to burden someone with and know that it's not your fault he is the way he is.
    Do you want to spend the rest of your life miserable, in an unhappy relationship just to keep him from being depressed and dealing with shit in life?! I have no doubt at all that his moods are heightened and he is depressed more when he's doing coke. You have extreme highs and low lows. He sounds like he just can't cope with life.

    Who cares if he sold his bike to buy you an engagement ring. Only you know if you're happy and if you want to be with this man and can see yourself with him when you're old and gray.

    Think about the positives and negatives, that's all I have to say. Hang in there hun


  10. Ok, can I ask you something. How old are you? I'm going to guess you're near to or around 23-24 maybe? If not age doesn't really matter as it's probably just a 20's thing. Could you be going through a quarter life crises? I'm only asking because I went through the exact same thing at about 23 with my ex. I woke up one morning and was just repulsed by him. I stayed with him for a few months and was seriously depressed over everything. It felt like I had zoned out for a good few years and I'd finally woken up and realised how crummy shit was. I left him and it was the best thing to do, looking back now plus confirmation of was a giant c*** he was. I know a lot of people who experience this, one of my good friends went through the same thing at the same time as me and helped clarify all those raging emotions! I can't help but think you're possibly facing the same. This isn't me telling you to break up with him, because he does sound like a sweetheart, despite his shortcomings (but then again, don't we all have those too). I think this may be clouding your judgement right now. At least it may explain a few things. Like I said, don't freak out over what I said, all us girlies go through it. I was working with a dude at that time and was telling me my situation. I never forget the look he gave me because he told me how his gf did the exact same thing, just broke it off suddenly (he was also about to propose) and left him hanging all confused and stuff. It's just a female thing. Not to scare you but I've had about three in my twenties, the last two just within the last two years (they really were shitty years though) and another blogger friend also experienced a second last year too. My suggestion would be to google it and seek information. What helped me was a lot of self-help bloggers and thinkers. I went on a spiritual "journey" and I actually needed it, I am pretty private and have a hard time opening up to people face to face. That probably isn't right for you but just through googling you'll find what you're looking for, even taking comfort in the tales of others and banding together and stuff. I hope I've made sense lovely. And maybe even pointed something out that you may not have considered before?