Have you ever been with someone and had no idea why? Like you're in this relationship with someone that you actually feel no real connection with but yet you just can't walk away?
As the time goes on, my attraction towards Scotty becomes less and less.
I know it sounds awful to say it, but he just seems so stupid - and if we were to split up I really don't think it would effect me very much.
He does really daft things... a lot. Things that make me wonder what the hell he was thinking! It is really annoying. I can't even think of any off the top of my head because they are all just so unbelievably thick.
I realize I sound like a bitch.... and maybe I am. But even though he annoys the absolute living daylights out of me, I still stay with him.
I've found out he's been lying to me a lot lately.... but I guess I've been lying to him too.... this attraction to the gorgeous doctor, Alex, isn't going away... but it isn't really progressing either.
He definitely doesn't see me in that way. For a while I really thought that he might... but he'd have at least said something by now, wouldn't he???
Alex is too good for me. I know that....
Maybe I am destined to end up with a guy like Scotty... maybe that's my path.
Scotty and I had a huge blow out last night and it ended with him telling me that he just sold his motorbike (for a lot of money!!!) to buy me an engagement ring.
An engagement ring!!!
It isn't about a big sparkly diamond and designer wedding dress from Kleinfeld.... it isn't about some glamorous honeymoon on a yacht sailing through the Maldives...
But somewhere a part of me doesn't want to leave him.
I had an absolute breakdown over the weekend - like literally I think I could have flooded the Nile river in Egypt with the amount of tears I shed.
It was me being emotional about my parents alcoholism again...... that's how it started anyway... but once the waterworks had started they just wouldn't stop.... and he took me up to my bedroom and cradled me in his arms and just rocked me back and forth until I slipped into a blubbering sleep.
It's things like that he does that I really appreciate. He's there for me when I really need him to be. It is SUCH a catch 22 because at times he really makes me see a guy I could picture spending the rest of my life with but then at others he does something that annoys me beyond belief.
Worst of all I just don't feel like me anymore.
I don't feel like that free-spirited girl that pounced at the chance to do anything fun with him in the beginning.
Maybe it really is the pill.... it really does effect my hormones and emotions... but I spoke to the gynecologist about that the other day and she said she highly recommends staying on a contraceptive unless I am comfortable with falling pregnant right now.... which, given my current state of mine, I most certainly am not!!!
But as it seems like I am really sensitive towards the pill and the estrogen and stuff it contains the only other thing she could recommend was a coil thing that goes INSIDE your lady bits....... it's apparently excruciatingly painful to insert.... so I downright refused.
Things like the injection and other contraceptive precautions wouldn't do me good. The pill I am on is such a mild one but yet it still effects me badly. I become a nightmare of a person and I hate it!
I just want to feel like me again.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the problem.
So what do I do? Do I carry on sticking it out with Scotty? Do I wait for his proposal and hope that things get better? That one day when I'm off the pill my affection for him will come back??? At this point I actually really don't even find him hot anymore......... I hate admitting that!!
I wouldn't even know how to breakup with him.... I've never been good at that. Plus, Scotty is on heavy anti-depressants and four years ago when his 'big'ex split up with him, he tried to kill himself. He'd told me about all of these ideas he'd had like throwing himself in front of a bus....
Now here I am going to get bitchy again.....
HOW can someone think about throwing themselves in front of a bus?!? It's so selfish!! What about the poor driver. Imagine the damage you will do to him and how you will ruin his / her life.
See, it's like sometimes he just doesn't think...
So I'd be scared to breakup with him. I AM scared to breakup with him... it's not that he's being manipulative.... although it might sound like it. He's got a few really serious issues in his life I'll admit, but I'm scared to leave him because for some reason I am scared to lose him even though I don't think it will be that a big of a deal if I do.
Does that even make sense!!? No.... not it doesn't. See!?!? I am an emotional wreck right now!! Argh!
I know this was a seriously heavy post....
It covers everything from suicide, hormones, relationship issues and more...
I hope it wasn't too much for you all.
I promise I'll try and make the next post a bit more light-hearted and enjoyable....
But you're thoughts and advice right now would be really appreciated... because lets face it, I need it!